Courage

The love I have for Rukhsar is one of the greatest loves I’ve ever known.

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The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

I have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I chose others that did not deserve to be chosen over you. I took advantage of the love you had for me. But, in 2017, I have finally learned the significance you have in my life, how much you mean to me, and the things that you have done for me.

When I first met you our sophomore year, I don’t remember you at all. A picture proves our first meeting, and yet the only conversation I remember is with another person. You remember the interaction like it was yesterday, and it makes sense there’s a picture to prove it — photographs capture your feelings, the moments that take your breath away, that make you feel whole. At the moment, I usually find it annoying. But with 2017 as a shit show as it was, your pictures — filled with memories that live in the crevices of my consciousness — were a source of comfort, a source of pride. Each image, each memory reminds me that one of the greatest miracles of my life was God bringing you into my life.

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2017 brought you changes. Rapid changes, and sustainable changes, that even Superman would be overwhelmed. You gave me the gift of being there, with you, every step of the way. I have never wanted to fiercely protect someone as I have tried to protect you, to the point where I feel physical pain in the few times you have shown it. I have yelled at people, strangers, for issues over pronouns and identity because of you. I fight for love because I have a physical manifestation of this love here on Earth: you.

I watched you act as a figure of strength and act as a role model to a child, not your own, and see her pure love emanate toward others only because of your presence. I have watched you struggle as many of your friends leave and you create an identity from that pain, one that is your own and one that is powerful. When I feel fearful, I think of your immeasurable courage, and suddenly, I have nothing to fear. There is nothing I HAVE to worry as long as I have you by my side, encouraging me every step of the way.

2017 brought me confusion, genuine pain and love as I struggled through romantic relationships, and you were there every step of the way. You always knew when I needed to watch a Bollywood movie when I needed to cry but couldn’t. You bought me food when even I forgot that I hadn’t eaten that day. You sent me flowers for any occasion. You forgave me for things I only realize now I must apologize for, the pain that I have inflicted on you in our almost four years of friendship, in all of my mistakes. Never in my life did I feel that I deserved something as good as you, and yet, here you are.

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Thank you for being an unconditionally loving being. Thank you for your unwavering loyalty, no questions asked. Thank you for watching Game of Thrones so I can FINALLY talk to someone about it.

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